July 2020 Horoscopes

Leo: You adjusted your sleep schedule based on the premise that the early bird catches the worm, but what if you are the worm?

Virgo: The knowledge that you are taller than Vladimir Putin will be welcome news that you should definitely include on your Tinder profile.

Libra: Nice hat.

Scorpio: It’s time to revive your Club Penguin account. After a few dedicated hours of ice fishing, you could even buy a new puffle!

Sagittarius: The next software update you install will permanently turn your screensaver into an endless series of images that depict crocodiles slowly devouring giant buckets of fried chicken. Whoops.

Capricorn: Your shattered iPhone screen will soon serve as an apt metaphor for your ruined romantic life.

Aquarius: To quote the timeless words of Taylor Swift, “Haters gonna hate.” Don’t let that stop you from wearing those cool new shants.

Pisces: You will be eager to discover that, contrary to science, sleeping with a book under your pillow does result in a transfer of knowledge by osmosis, but a careless error will lead you to wake up having memorized a 1993 phonebook from Florissant, Missouri. Funny how these things happen.

Aries: A new playlist on Spotify will catapult you on an existential emotional rollercoaster as you contemplate whether this is the real life or just fantasy, if you wanna know, why you feel so down, if you really wanna know, and, in a twist that has taken on an entirely new meaning over the past few months, who’s zoomin’ who[m].

Taurus: If you see someone on Tinder claiming to be “taller than Vladimir Putin,” they’re clearly the type of person who lives their life based on pseudoscientific understandings of celestial bodies. Run before it’s too late.

Gemini: Ordering coffee “ice cold…like my soul” isn’t nearly as edgy as you think.

Cancer: The surface area of an average-sized brick is roughly 80 cm^2. The stars hope that this information will be useful to you somehow over the course of the month.

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