April 2020 Horoscopes

Because if you don’t believe in astrology, you’re never going to get anywhere in life, are you now.

Aries: Serenade your unhappy family members with a harmonica 24/7 to boost their spirits.

Taurus: All those restraining orders were a nuisance last month, but they’re really coming in handy now, aren’t they?

Gemini: The stars urge you to rethink your plans to grow a mustache.

Cancer: You can keep relying on Google Maps to figure out your life, but at the end of the day, a geographical compass is no match for a moral one.

Leo: You’re good at social distancing, but the people around you aren’t. Carry a six-foot pole with you wherever you go to quickly shove any intruders out of your personal space.

Virgo: Drink the Kool-Aid. No, seriously. A non-peer-reviewed study recently published in a Tumblr-based scientific journal found that Kool-Aid is three times as effective as hand sanitizer in killing viruses. Also, that Shakespeare’s plays were all written by a hundred thousand monkeys with advanced typewriters, that jellyfish are actually tide pods endowed with godly powers, that Billie Eilish’s hair is naturally that shade of green.

Libra: You will soon find out exactly what the sound of one hand clapping is like when your one-man show is met with the audience’s cold and callous indifference.

Scorpio: You may be strong, but the enormous group of crows you’ve enraged with your country music playlist is much, much stronger.

Sagittarius: Your pro-bono psychic may be overcharging you.

Capricorn: The CDC recommends that next time you wash your hands, you think through every one of your deepest regrets in life, reviewing the memories in vivid, excruciating detail. This doesn’t really do much for public health purposes. But government officials have to enjoy themselves somehow, right?

Aquarius: Given that you can use videos to participate in Zoom calls, all you need to do is loop ten seconds of you blinking at the camera, and you’ll be set for the rest of the year.

Pisces: Ew, you’re a Pisces?

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